


come up for air

by alinaandalion



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, But Not Much, F/F, and hook is there for a little bit, post-season five, references to regina being tortured, there is some captain swan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-02
Updated: 2016-10-02
Packaged: 2018-08-19 05:17:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,765
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8191604
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alinaandalion/pseuds/alinaandalion
Summary: Regina starts to say something to shut her down because nothing good will come from this, it’s why she’s never talked to Emma about it, but then Emma mumbles something and Regina stiffens.“What did you say?” Regina asks, her throat tight.“Was it after your mom died?” Emma asks, eyes wide as she looks at Regina.  “I know he was running around and was involved in something back then but I never thought….”  Emma trails off, her brow furrowed as she obviously struggles to put everything together and Regina just sits there, trembling, until, until-- “Regina, did he work with Tamara and Greg?  What they did to you--he didn’t….  Did he help them?’Regina closes her eyes and clenches her jaw and flinches at Emma’s sharp breath.  “Fuck,” Emma mutters.  “Fuck.  Regina, why didn’t you ever tell me?”





	

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so this is something I've been thinking over for the past few months because I know this will never be talked about on the show and that bothers me a whole lot. This is post-season five but without Split Queen because I thought that would be a plot point that would pull the focus of the fic. And also, that would be a lot going on. There is some Captain Swan in here as well as a couple of appearances by Hook because that's one of the central conflicts going on. However, this is not about Captain Swan; it's about Regina and Emma and Henry.
> 
> *****
> 
> “I feel the air upon my face  
> Forget the mess I'm in  
> Hold me again, don't count mistakes  
> I lost track of them
> 
> I’d be alright, if I could just see you  
> Come up for air, come up for air  
> A miracle mile, where does it lead to  
> Come up for air, come up for air”  
> \- “Miracle Mile” by Cold War Kids

It’s a quiet night and Regina is on the wrong side of tipsy.  It’s one of her and Emma’s “girls nights” where they curl up on the couch with some sort of alcohol and Regina’s Netflix account and relax while Henry spends the night with Snow and David.  She’s not even sure what they’re watching right now, and Emma has been staring into her glass for the past few minutes so she doesn’t think Emma will be much help in figuring it out.

 

“Why don’t you like Killian?” Emma asks, her voice soft and words slurred as she swirls the contents of her glass around and around.

 

Regina shifts and clears her throat before saying carefully, “I don’t see why it matters.  I tolerate him.  That should be enough.”

 

Emma shakes her head.  “It matters to me.  You’re my--you’re my best friend, Regina, and I love him.  And i guess it’d be, I don’t know, kind of nice if the two of you got along.”

 

“I don’t see that happening,” Regina mutters, trying to ignore the pang of her heart at Emma so casually talking about loving Hook.  

 

“I just don’t get it,” Emma says, finally looking up at Regina.  “I mean, he doesn’t like you, either, but it’s because he’s jealous or whatever.  It’s not the same thing for you.”

 

“What is he jealous of?” Regina asks, frowning.

 

Emma rolls her eyes and says, “He’s really weird about it but I think my relationship with you?  It’s like he’s afraid that you’re going to steal me away or something.”

 

Emma laughs a little, then, and Regina should do the same or make a flippant remark or  _ something _ but her tongue sits heavy in her mouth.  Emma is staring at her now and Regina can feel the hot pinpricks of embarrassment on her skin.  

 

Regina shifts and clears her throat.  “I don’t really want to talk about it, Emma.”

 

“Come on, you can tell me,” Emma says, a pleading note creeping into her voice that Regina shouldn’t find so endearing.  “I mean, was it back in fairy tale land?  I know you guys have some kind of...history?”

 

“Nothing like what you’re thinking, I’m sure,” Regina says quickly.  

 

Emma wrinkles her nose.  “Okay, yeah, that would be kind of weird.  So, if it wasn’t then, it had to be...during the year I was in New York with Henry?”

 

Regina studies her drink and takes a slow, careful sip, hoping that if she doesn’t indulge Emma’s questioning that Emma might get bored and leave it alone.  

 

“Okay, not then,” Emma says, and it’s apparent now that she’s going to keep pushing until she gets an answer.

 

Regina starts to say something to shut her down because nothing good will come from this, it’s why she’s never talked to Emma about it, but then Emma mumbles something and Regina stiffens.

 

“What did you say?” Regina asks, her throat tight.

 

“Was it after your mom died?” Emma asks, eyes wide as she looks at Regina.  “I know he was running around and was involved in something back then but I never thought….”  Emma trails off, her brow furrowed as she obviously struggles to put everything together and Regina just sits there, trembling, until, until-- “Regina, did he work with Tamara and Greg?  What they did to you--he didn’t….  Did he help them?’

 

Regina closes her eyes and clenches her jaw and flinches at Emma’s sharp breath.  

 

“Fuck,” Emma mutters.  “ _ Fuck _ .  Regina, why didn’t you ever tell me?”

 

Breathing in, Regina looks back at her and says carefully, “It’s not what you think.  He helped them capture me but he didn’t stay after he found out what they were going to do.”

 

“Like that makes it okay?” Emma asks and she shakes her head.  “He knew and he just left you there?  Why wouldn’t you tell me?”

 

“I didn’t see how it would matter,” Regina snaps, pushing up off the couch and staggering a little before she gets her bearings.  “What would you have done differently?  We weren’t even friends for most of that time, and we’ve never talked about what happened.  What makes it different now?  What are you going to do?”

 

“If you had told me, I wouldn’t have--”  Emma stops and hangs her head.  

 

“What?” Regina asks.  “You wouldn’t have fallen in love with him?”

 

“Regina,” Emma says and her voice is soft, pleading.

 

Regina swallows and says, “I didn’t want to tell you because I didn’t want to hurt you.  But now you know.”

 

“Yeah.  Yeah, and I should do something,” Emma replies, her eyes blazing as she looks up at Regina.

 

“What?  Leave him?”  Regina means for it to be sarcastic because she can’t ask for that but it comes out too soft, too hopeful, and Emma’s expression twists like she’s in pain.  Regina takes a deep breath and says, “I wouldn’t ask you to do that, Emma.  That’s not why--this isn’t about you or your relationship with him.”

 

“Isn’t it?” Emma asks.  She looks like she might say something else but then she says, “I think I should just go.”

 

The front door slams then, and Regina starts and turns on her heel, off-balance because she’s still a little tipsy, and she sees Henry standing in the doorway.   
  


“Henry, what are you doing home?” Regina asks as she steadies herself before walking over to him.  “I thought you were sleeping at your grandparents tonight.”

 

He shrugs and says, “I was but Neal got sick and I just thought I would come back here.  What’s going on?”

 

“I was just heading out, kid,” Emma says as she stands up.  “We still meeting up for breakfast tomorrow?”

 

“Of course,” Regina murmurs as Emma walks over.

 

She watches as Emma reaches out to ruffle Henry’s hair and he shrugs Emma off, shifting his weight and leaning closer to Regina.  She frowns but then Emma doesn’t seem to think anything is off.  Emma glances at her again, still frowning, but she leaves without saying anything else.  

 

“I’m going to get to bed,” Henry says once they hear the door close behind Emma.

 

“Of course, sweetheart,” Regina says with a smile. “I think I’m going to do the same.”

 

He nods and then wraps his arms around her in a tight hug, resting his head on her shoulder for a moment before slipping away and trudging up the stairs.

  
  


*****

  
  


Emma looks like she didn’t sleep well the next morning as Regina and Henry slide into the booth across from her.  She gives them both a tight smile before staring back down at the menu.  Normally Henry fills the space between them with chatter, but he picks up a menu and slouches down in the booth beside Regina.

 

Regina watches the way Emma’s eyes flicker over Henry, her face falling before a closed-off expression settles, and Regina sighs.  Ruby appears briefly to deliver coffee to Emma and Regina but the silence hangs heavy over the three.

 

Then Hook comes into the diner and Regina’s fingers curl into fists when he saunters over to their booth.  This is hers, with Henry and Emma, and he has no  _ right _ to--

 

“Mind if I join you, love?” Hook asks as he smiles down at Emma, back turned to Regina and Henry like they aren’t there.

 

Emma stiffens and looks nervously between him and Regina before saying quietly, “Yeah, sure.”

 

She scoots over to make room for him, and Hook smirks as he sits down and leans back in the booth, draping an arm around Emma’s shoulders as he looks at Regina.  Emma retreats behind her menu again, and Regina glances over at Henry.  HIs knee bounces under the table and his knuckles are white where he’s gripping the menu so hard.  

 

She tries to focus on her son because she can at least handle that, but when she places a gentle hand on Henry’s shoulder, he flinches and flings his menu onto the table.

 

“Mom, I want to go,” Henry says without looking at her, too busy glaring at Hook.

 

Emma drops her menu, startled, and she says, “But we always have breakfast together.”

 

“Not with him,” Henry spits out and he’s already angling his body to get out of the booth.  “Mom, I want to go home.”

 

And she’s helpless to resist this out.  “Of course, sweetheart.  Come on.”

 

She slides out of the booth and he follows behind.  She thinks Emma might do or say something because this is a tradition, part of building this new family, and it’s important.  But she and Henry leave and Emma stays behind.

  
  


*****

  
  


Five days of silence.  No phone calls, no texts.  Emma doesn’t drop by Regina’s office with lunch like she normally does on Tuesday, and Henry comes to her office every day after school instead of going to the sheriff’s station.  Any time she brings up Emma, Henry gets this furious look on his face that reminds her of that horrible year before the curse broke, and he stonewalls any attempts Regina makes to figure out why he seems so angry with Emma.

 

But when Emma doesn’t show up for dinner on Friday night, Regina calls her and snaps, “Where the hell are you?”

 

“What?”  Emma sounds confused.  “Henry told me not to come when i texted and asked if I should bring over a movie.  I thought you knew.”

 

Regina sighs and runs a hand through her hair.  “I didn’t.  Emma, what’s going on?”

 

“I don’t know,” Emma replies.  “Henry is mad at me about something but I can’t get him to talk to me.  I thought maybe he just didn’t feel good on Sunday, but when I asked him if he wanted to hang out with me and Killian on Monday, he got really distant and told me he was busy.  I don’t know what I did and I don’t know how to fix it, Regina.”

 

“I don’t know, either,” Regina says quietly.  “Maybe we can try breakfast on Sunday morning again.  Give Henry a little more time to cool off.”

 

“Okay.”  Emma sighs and says, “I didn’t know Killian was going to just show up like that, Regina.  I talked to him.  It won’t happen again.”

 

“It’s fine,” Regina says even though it’s  _ not _ .  “He’s important part of your life.  You don’t have to keep him away from me at all times.”

 

“I’m just trying to figure this out,” Emma replies and there’s a faint sniffle before Emma says, “Look, I’ve got to go.  I’ll talk to you later?”

 

“Of course,” Regina says before hanging up.

 

She rests her hands on the kitchen counter for a moment, biting back anger and resentment and exhaustion.  She can’t give in to any of it, not when Henry and Emma are falling apart.  

So she straightens her spine and goes to the dining room to have dinner with her son and smiles and smiles and ignores the empty chair sitting across from him.

  
  


*****

  
  


She sees Emma with him in the diner the next day and she keeps walking.  She doesn’t know what she expected to happen after telling Emma about that nightmare in the cannery.  It’s not as though she has any right to expect Emma to leave him over it.  As if Regina herself is innocent.  Her phone buzzes in her coat pocket and Regina pulls it out.  It’s a text message from Emma:   _ are you okay?   _

 

Regina stares down at it for a long moment, hesitant, almost turning back.  But she slips the phone back into her pocket without answering and keeps going instead.

 

Her phone starts buzzing then, and Regina pulls it out again, sighing as she answers, “What do you want, Emma?”

 

“You’re ignoring me now?” Emma asks, voice edged with irritation.  “Are you mad at me, too?”

 

“I’m not ignoring you,” Regina snaps.  “I have work to do.  And you’re the one who hasn’t bothered to call or talk to me or do  _ anything _ since that day at breakfast.”

 

“I told you that I’m trying to figure this all out,” Emma says.

 

Regina slows her stride and says, “And your solution is to ignore me?  We’re friends, Emma.  You pushed me to tell you about what happened and when it made you uncomfortable, you just ran out on me.”

 

“That’s not fair,” Emma protests but her voice wavers.  

 

“I never asked you to do anything, Emma,” Regina says as she stops walking, tempted to turn around and do this face-to-face.  “I don’t understand why you’re trying to carry this guilt around when it wasn’t your fault.”

 

“I love him, Regina,” Emma says, her voice cracking.  “And I don’t know--you matter so much to me.  And he _ hurt _ you.”

 

Regina turns and looks back, smiling sadly at the sight of Emma on the sidewalk outside the diner.  “There’s something you’re not telling me, isn’t there?  I’m not the problem here, Emma.  Stop treating me like I am.”

 

“Regina--” Emma starts, but Regina shakes her head and hangs up on her and keeps walking.

  
  


*****

  
  


Regina has just settled in her study go over a town proposal to remove one of the red lights and replace it with a stop sign, an issue that has surprisingly been very divisive, when her phone starts buzzing.  She’s tempted to ignore it, but she glances down at the screen and sees that it’s Emma.  

 

Her heart seizes in her chest because Henry is with Emma today and what if, what if--

 

“Emma?” Regina answers, trying to keep her breathing calm and even in case she’s overreacting.

 

“Regina, I screwed up,” Emma says in a rush.  “Hook came over to spend time with me and Henry, and Henry, I don’t know, he got so mad and I couldn’t get him to calm down.”

 

“What happened?” Regina asks as she stands up and heads for the front door, summoning her keys and coat with her magic.  “Emma, is Henry all right?”

 

“He ran off,” Emma says, sobbing.  “I wanted to go after him but he was so angry with me, Regina.  I don’t know what’s going on with him.  I don’t know what to do.”

 

Regina shakes her head and says, “I’ll find him, Emma.  Stay there in case he cools off and comes back.”

 

“I can help look,” Emma protests.  

 

“I know, but you know that it’s best if you stay where you are,” Regina replies quietly.  She takes a deep breath and says, “Emma, I promise you, I will call you after I find our son.  I promise.”

 

“Okay,” Emma whispers.  “I’ll just...wait here.”

 

“I’ll call you,” Regina says again before she hangs up and rushes to her car.

  
  


*****

  
  


She sees Henry huddled up in the old weathered wooden castle when she pulls up to it.  It had been the first place she’d thought of because no matter how much time passes, some things don’t seem to change. 

 

Before she gets out of the car, she calls Emma and says, “I found him.  He’s all right.”

 

“Oh my God.  Fuck.”  Emma sniffles and says, “Where are you?  I can come there and, I don’t know, talk to him?  Maybe--”

 

“Emma,” Regina cuts her off.  “I think that it might be best if I talk to Henry first.”

 

“But,” Emma says, voice stronger now.  “I need to fix this.  I need to talk to him.”

 

Regina glances back at the castle and sees Henry standing up and leaning over the wooden railing, watching her car.  

 

She says slowly, “I know, Emma.  And you will.  I just think he needs some space right now.”

 

“From me,” Emma says, and there’s an accusatory tone that stings.

 

“Just right now,” Regina replies with a sigh.  “I need to go.  I’ll call you after we get home.”

 

“Okay,” Emma mutters before she hangs up.

 

Regina rubs at her temple and leaves her phone in her car when she gets out and starts walking up to Henry and the wooden castle.  He watches her silently and moves when she gets closer, sitting down on one of the landings and leaving space for her to sit beside him.

 

She settles beside him and waits, studying his clenched jaw and narrowed eyes.  It’s cold and she forgot her gloves, too intent on finding Henry to worry about it, but the cold seeps into her skin and to her bones.  When she shivers, Henry turns his head to look at her and some of the tension bleeds out of him.

 

“Ma called you,” he says.

 

“Well, she was worried,” Regina says with a shrug.  “You don’t normally argue with her and then run away.”

 

“Yeah,” he says quietly.  He looks away again before saying, “Is she mad?”

 

“She’s...confused,” Regina replies.  “And honestly, I am, too.  What’s going on, Henry?  You’ve been upset with her for awhile now and you won’t talk to either of us about it.”

 

“I overheard you that night,” Henry says all in a breathless rush.  He looks at her, eyes shining with tears.  “I heard you tell her what Hook did to you.”

 

“Oh.”  Regina blinks back the tears that are welling up in her eyes at her son, her little prince, trembling with rage and fear for her.  “Oh, sweetheart.  I didn’t know.  You weren’t supposed to hear any of that.”

 

“I know,” Henry snaps, shifting away from her.  “But he hurt you, Mom.  And I can’t pretend that it doesn’t matter.”

 

“It’s not your burden to bear,” she says quietly, hands clasped in her lap even though she wants to wrap her arms around him.

 

He’s still distant, shoulders hunched as he stares past the weathered wood of the castle.  “What about Emma?  Shouldn’t she do something?”

 

She breathes in, out, and says, “What can she do?  It’s not about  _ doing  _ anything, Henry.”

 

She looks down at his clenched fists.  She worries sometimes that he’s growing up too fast, dragged from childhood into an early and violent adulthood that she’s tried to do everything to prevent.  She and Emma have both agreed to fight for “better, for Henry”, for everything they never had but Henry should.  And for it all to be for  _ nothing _ —

 

He leans into her then, head on her shoulder and right hand reaching over to cover hers, cold fingers holding tight. 

 

Closing her eyes, she wraps an arm around him as she says, “Be patient with her, Henry.  This isn’t easy for her.”

 

“But what about you?” he asks, voice breaking.  “How is any of this fair for you?”

 

“It’s not,” she murmurs, mouth twisting bitterly at the idea of fairness.  “But that’s not always the most important thing.  It can’t be.”

 

“Then what?”

 

She leans her forehead against his head and says, “Sometimes, it’s about figuring out what you can live with.  And I can--this is something I can live with.”

 

Henry doesn’t respond to that and the silence between them grows.  It might be too much for him to understand right now, how life is too heavy to fight for fair sometimes, how it doesn’t have to hurt in spite of that.  Fair would have been Snow’s life for Daniel’s, and fair would have been her own execution for her crimes.  Blood for blood for blood and it never ends.  

 

_ Better _ , for Henry.  And maybe for herself as well.  

 

“You love her, don’t you?” Henry says, lifting his head to look at her.

 

Regina ducks her head and says, “Of course.  We’re friends, Henry.  I care about her very much.”

 

“No,” he says, a little more insistent.  “I mean, you’re in love with her.”

 

“That doesn’t mean anything would be different,” Regina says, helpless, unable to outright lie to him.

 

“But it’s why you aren’t mad at her,” he replies with a shrug of his shoulders.  

 

“No, Henry, that--it’s two different things,” Regina says, sighing.  She strokes her thumb over his knuckles and says, “I can’t hold her responsible for something she didn’t even do.  It’s hard to see her with him, but Emma doesn’t owe me anything.  Not for this.”

 

He frowns and asks, “But, it’s hard, too, because you do love her?”

 

“A little,” she says quietly.  “But you don’t have to worry about that.”

 

“Yeah, but I do, Mom,” Henry says, a smile tugging at his mouth, so sad and grown.  “I want you to be okay.  I want you to be happy.”

 

“Oh, Henry, I am,” she says, swallowing against the tightness in her throat.  “I am happy.”

 

“Okay,” Henry replies with a nod even though he’s still frowning some, like he doesn’t quite believe her.

 

“Okay,” she echoes.  Then she squeezes his shoulder and stands up.  “Come on, let’s go home.”

 

And on the walk back to the car, Henry slips his hand into hers, holding tight.

  
  


*****

  
  


When Emma comes to the house later that night, Regina lets her in without speaking.

 

Emma pulls her shoes off and leaves them in a heap beside the door as she says, “Is Henry already asleep?”

 

“He went to bed,” Regina says as she leads the way to the study.  “He might still be up reading, though.  You know how he can be.”

 

Emma chuckles and says, “Yeah, I know.”

 

Regina suppresses a smile and settles on one of the couches, patting the space beside her for Emma to sit.  Emma hesitates before sitting down gingerly beside Regina, curling her hands over her knees.

 

“So, you found out what’s going on with Henry?” Emma says quietly as she stares at the floor.

 

Regina frowns and says, “I did.  It seems that he overheard us talking about what happened between Hook and me, and it upset him.”

 

“Oh.”  Emma nods and then says, “Can I talk to him?”

 

“I...don’t think that’s a good idea,” Regina replies even though Emma is already getting up and starting for the door.

 

Emma stops and turns to face Regina, eyebrows drawn together.  “Why not?  He’s my son, too, Regina, and I don’t think it’s a good idea to just ignore this.”

 

“He doesn’t want to talk to you right now,” Regina snaps, springing to her feet to stop Emma in case she doesn’t listen.  “He’s still angry and he’s tired, and I don’t see any reason for the two of you to fight when he just needs some time to work through this.”

 

“Why is he mad at me?” Emma asks.  “I didn’t do anything.”

 

“He’s really mad at Hook, Emma.  It’s not really about you or anything you’ve done,” Regina says as she walks over to Emma.  

 

Emma cocks her head to the side and looks at Regina, her face falling as she says, “No, it’s about me, too.  What, does he want me to leave Killian?  Is that it?  It’s not about what I’ve done but what I’m not doing.”

 

“Emma--” Regina starts but Emma shakes her head and backs away.

 

“No.  I get it.”  She shrugs and hangs her head, saying, “And you feel that way, too, don’t you?  You keep saying that it’s not about me but really, you’re mad that I’m not choosing you over him.”

 

“You’re wrong,” Regina says, voice low as she clenches her fists at her sides.  “I have never asked you to do  _ anything _ about this, and I will not carry your guilt for you.”

 

“But do you want me to choose you over him?” Emma asks, and she’s trembling, reaching a hand out to Regina.

 

Regina closes her eyes and breathes, finally looking at Emma and saying, “No.  I don’t.”

 

Emma doesn’t seem to hear her at first, hand still stretched out to Regina, open and waiting, but after a few seconds pass, Emma lets it drop back to her side and turns to leave.

 

“Emma, wait,” Regina says quickly, even though she has no idea what to say to her.

 

“I need to go,” Emma says without looking back, pulling her shoes back on with quick, sharp motions.  “I’ll call you later.”

 

And Regina just stands there and watches her leave, moving to the wide open door, eyes following Emma until she disappears from sight.  She stays there, shivering, wondering if maybe, maybe, Emma will come back and she can fix this.  But the cold gets to be too much and she can’t stay there, waiting forever.  She pushes the door closed.

  
  


*****

  
  


Two days later, Hook strolls into her office and says, “We need to talk.”

 

Regina glances up from her computer and replies coolly, “I don’t have any business with you, pirate.  If you would kindly see yourself out?”

 

“No,” he growls, settling in front of her desk and sneering as he looks down at her.  “You’ve got Emma worked up over something that happened years ago so I’m here to settle it.”

 

“And how are you going to do that?” Regina asks as she leans back in her chair.  “I have no interest in whatever pathetic apology Emma has convinced you to recite to me, so you can just save us both some time and leave.”

 

“If you won’t even listen, then what was the point of telling her?” Hook asks.  “Emma insists that the only way she can forgive me is if I at least apologize for my past actions.  And I won’t leave until you let me do so.”

 

Regina considers using a fireball for a brief moment but then she shrugs and says, “Fine.  What is it you want to say?”

 

He stares at her and shakes his head.  “No.  I’m not going to do this.  We both did what we had to do back then.  You left me to die as bait.  I don’t owe you anything.”

 

“And how close did you actually get to death down there?” Regina asks, digging her nails into the arms of her chair.  She leans forward and snarls, “You may not owe me an apology, but I don’t owe you my forgiveness, either.  Now get out.”

 

Hook scoffs at her but he does turn to leave.  When he reaches the door, he pauses and says, “You know, if you care for Emma at all, you’d let this go.”

 

“What do you mean?” Regina snaps, getting to her feet with the intention of using every bit of her magic to make him leave.

 

Hook looks at her and smirks.  “She wants to be happy.  With me.  Why won’t you just let her?”

 

Then he walks away, and Regina sinks back down into her chair, shaking.  She flexes her fingers and lets a fireball spring to life in her hand.  She studies it as she thinks back over Hook’s parting words to her; the flame flares even brighter, hotter, stinging in her palm.  She lets it burn and burn and burn and then, finally, closes her fingers over it and extinguishes the flame.

  
  


*****

  
  


“Hey,” Emma says as Regina opens her front door.  

 

Regina really shouldn’t be surprised by the unexpected visits anymore.  She sighs and pulls the door open wide enough for Emma to come in, but Emma stays out on the porch, hands tucked into her back pockets.

 

“You don’t have to stay out in the cold,” Regina says, wondering if perhaps her invitation hadn’t been explicit enough.  

 

Emma shakes her head.  “No, I just have a quick question.  I know Killian was going to talk to you?  About what happened?”

 

“And?” Regina asks, pinching the bridge of her nose between her thumb and forefinger.  

 

“Well, how did it go?” Emma says with a slight smile.  “He said it went well, but I thought I would check with you and make sure everything is okay now.”

 

“Of course,” Regina mutters.  She flicks some hair out of her face and pastes a bland smile on her face.  “He apologized.  I’m fine.  If that’s all?”

 

“Regina,” Emma says, voice low in warning, a growl on the tail-end.  “Is he lying?  Did he even apologize?”

 

Regina shrugs and leans on the door.  “There was an attempt.  He made it very clear that he was there because you wanted him to do it.  And I’m just--I’m not interested in any of this, Emma.”

 

“What else am I supposed to do, Regina?” Emma asks, eyes wide as she steps forward.  “I’m trying to fix this and I don’t understand why you won’t--”

 

“What?” Regina snaps, moving forward, too, until she’s nose-to-nose with Emma like they used to fight.  “You keep coming back to me to fix this like it’s something _ I’m _ doing to  _ you _ .  Why is it my job to make this better for you?”

 

“I just want everything to be better,” Emma whispers.  “For all of us.”

 

“You want me to forgive him,” Regina says quietly, and it’s finally all falling into place.  She lets out a soft derisive laugh and takes two steps back as she says, “I would do almost anything that you asked me to, Emma.  But not this.”

 

“Why not?” Emma asks, eyes blazing even as tears are starting to slip down her cheeks.  “You’ll follow me into the Underworld to save someone you hate but you can’t even find a way to at least pretend like you forgive him?  That doesn’t even make sense!”

 

“I’ve spent so much of my life pretending, Emma,” Regina spits out.  “I refuse to do it anymore, not even for you.”

 

“Please,” Emma sobs.  “Please, Regina.  I don’t know how to forgive him.  I love him but he doesn’t--I don’t know, he doesn’t get why it matters to me, and I don’t know how to get past it.”

 

“I can’t do that for you, Emma,” Regina says, nails digging into her palms as she forces herself to stay still, to not reach out and pull Emma to her.  “You need to figure out what you can live with.  What you can forgive and what you can’t.  And when you do, you know where to find me.”

 

“And if I do forgive him?  Will you hate me?”

 

Regina shakes her head and leans her head on the door’s edge; she’s so tired.  “No.  Never.  Emma, I just want for you to be happy.”

 

Emma nods and breathes in.  She looks up at Regina for a moment and smiles just the slightest bit, and Regina almost asks her to stay.  But she doesn’t and Emma walks away.

  
  


*****

  
  


She doesn’t hear from Emma for three days.  And even after that, Emma reaches out to Henry first.  He comes to Regina, forehead furrowed as he looks from her to the phone in his hand.

 

“Ma said she wants to talk to me,” he says, chewing on his bottom lip.  

 

“Do you want to?” Regina asks.

 

“I guess,” he says slowly.  “I guess I kind of miss seeing her.”

 

Regina smiles, aware that he’s still trying to protect her.  “Then you should.”

 

He eyes her like he’s still uncertain.  “You sure?”

 

“She’s your mother, too, Henry,” Regina reminds him, voice soft as she reaches out and takes his hand, gives it a small squeeze.  “You shouldn’t feel guilty for wanting to spend time with her.”

 

“Okay.”  He looks back down at his phone and says, “Do you mind if I go now?  I’ll be back for dinner.”

 

“Go on,” she says, smile broadening.  

 

He grins and bounds out of the room; Regina is tempted to text Emma about it, this small thing that makes her feel like they’ll all be okay.  Except--she’s still waiting for Emma to decide what she wants.  And she’s done begging for Emma to make room for her.

  
  


*****

  
  


Regina goes to meet Emma at the docks when Emma calls her.  She strides up to where Emma is sitting on one of the benches, hunched over with elbows resting on her knees.  

 

“You wanted to talk?” Regina says as she comes to a stop in front of Emma.

 

Emma glances up and nods, saying, “Yeah.  I figured that, um, well, I have a lot to make up for after the past couple of weeks.”

 

“You’re being too hard on yourself,” Regina murmurs as she sits down beside Emma.

 

“Yeah, no, I think you’re letting me off too easy,” Emma says, leaning back and looking at Regina.  “I messed up.  You told me something that was hard for you to trust anyone with because I asked you to, and then I acted like a jerk about it.  I’m sorry.  I don’t really have a good excuse except that--”

 

She trails off and Regina prompts, “What?”

 

“I guess I thought that I was letting you down by being with Killian at all,” Emma finishes with a rueful smile.  

 

“Emma, that wasn’t--”

 

“Yeah, I know,” Emma says quickly.  “You told me that a lot.  I just wasn’t listening.”

 

Regina looks out over the harbor and breathes in as she says, “I shouldn’t have even told you.  It just made all of us miserable.”

 

“And you could just carry that secret around, alone, for the rest of your life?” Emma asks, voice soft as she reaches over and covers Regina’s right hand with her own.  “I would never want that, Regina.  No matter what.”

 

“So where does this leave us?” Regina asks, unwilling to look at Emma because she won’t be able to stay strong when she  _ wants  _ so much.

 

“Well, I don’t know.  I broke up with him.”

 

Regina snaps her head around to stare at Emma.  “What?  Over this?  Emma, I never wanted--”

 

“No, I wanted this,” Emma says firmly.  “And what he did to you had something to do with it.  But it’s not the only reason.  This is not your fault.”

 

“I thought you love him,” Regina whispers even as her throat tightens with hope and possibility as Emma strokes her thumb over the back of Regina’s gloved hand.

 

“I did,” Emma replies with a sad smile.  “Or, I do.  It still feels complicated.  But that doesn’t mean we were right.  I was trying so hard and then--I told him how much this meant to me.  And he couldn’t even try, not even for me.  And I realized that it wasn’t something I could live with.”

 

“Emma,” Regina breathes and she’s leaning in, aching to reach out and touch her beyond their joined hands.  “I’m so sorry.”

 

“Don’t be.  I’m okay,” Emma says.  She licks her lips and continues, “And, there’s more to it.  Stuff that I think we need to talk about.  Not today.  But maybe soon?”

 

“Like what?” Regina asks.

 

“About where this leaves us,” Emma says quietly, eyes shining as she tugs on Regina’s arm.

  
And Regina lets go and settles in Emma’s embrace, closing her eyes and breathing in.


End file.
